The runaway weekend

For those who at one point in their life wants to run away, you can relate to me. I just did. Only this time the end result, it strikes me as a nice surprise.
I choose a cheap hotel in Utrecht, an unlikely place that I ever think I like to be, a youth hostel where you share your bed, with at least 16 people in the same room, share bathrooms, toilet and share the space.
When I first entered the reception, a room full packed with people sharing little living room and sharing TV. A line of computers in the table, where everybody glued their eyes to it. My first thought was I just made a big mistake. I shouldn't be here in the first place. Why am I doing this while I can afford to stay in a much more comfortable hotel where the I can have my bathtub and a nice quiet evening in the lobby ?
I clumsily take a seat in the sofa with everybody else, find a comfortable way to blended in, I saw a cute cat and I play with it. One guy said, we need a name for this cat, I said I call her 'nightmare' as soon as I'm imagining i will have a night mare not long after this experience in this hostel.

Nightmare is fun to be with, she or he play with me, scratching my face, licking my face and just fun being a cute cat.
A bunch of Japanese tourist came in, speak none of the english, and try to look their best. A bunch of another spanish came in, spread their winner energy from the world football champion lately, their heads up and speak proudly their language, presenting themselves as a champion.

Some guys playing nice music with drums and piano, very nice, I love them, atmosphere getting warmer and cool at the same time.
I begin to enjoy it.
Wine is being freely given to every one.
Night begin with a nice and cozy atmosphere where everybody enjoy themselves, with whatever they have.

I slept with another 15 people in the same room, mixed guys and girls, I can hear people snoring, this is a strange situation for me.
I hear, I listen, I observe, and I dont' mind.
I can sleep like a baby last night.

I wake up at 5, as usual, find my way down to take a shower and then breakfast. The owner of this hostel served me, she's a middle aged woman with big posture, speak good french, very nice, talkative and warm and generous. She gave me a bottle of red wine, she cooked pancake for me and a nice warm meat. We talked a bit, and she gave me the information where to go and see in Utrecht.
I enjoy very much the conversation, as she turns out to be very spiritual, creative and warm and generous person I've ever met.
The fact that she does this not for money, but because she likes to do this, it's very inspiring.
She shared some idea she had and she want to do. I did share mine too.
Alot of guitars in the wall, a big piano in the corner and a bunch of nice people.
The idea that I have very good life already, kicks in. What a blessing my life is.
I simply can choose what experiences I want to have, and I can just have it.
I enjoy the interaction with new environment and new situation and new people.
I have a very good job, a job that most of the people could probably only dreamed of. And I sometimes still complain about my life.
I choose to live in a luxury place to be for most of the people, and when somethings not going right, I was angry and dissapointed like hell. The fact that I can still have a choice to turn it around, I forget that almost.

Talking with these people, opening my eyes of how lucky I am to be in my position right now.
How blessed and beautiful the experiences I have until now.
I can see myself doing everything I want to be and be anything I want to be, without worrying too much about the money, the freedom is overwhelming.

Thanks everyone for sharing your little weekend with me, telling me something that I almost forget.
That I have a wonderful life already.

Loving our own shadow

Is that a bad thing that people have a relationship and then split ?
Our society think that broken relationship is a bad thing, look at Brad Pitt and Jenifer aniston, people all over the world speculating they will be back together again. Most people think a relationship ideally should be till the end of their time.
In my opinion, a broken relationship is common, a journey of your soul that some people must be able cope with.
There is no way in the world that you can avoid being broken hearted at some point in your life.

There are difference responses to everyone when it happens.
Some people retract themselves and join 'the uncommitted brigade', they are running away from their deepest emotion, affraid it might get hurt again, worse they could feel they don't need love, it's only for the foolish and the hopeless romantic.
Others are depressed, and glooming their life with sadness and sadness only.
A few, observe this as a reflection of your own self, a way to see yourself in your deepest feelings and emotion. To understand what is going on inside you, and understand it even more.

I believe we attract certain kind of person in our life to call in certain experience in a certain time of our life, that we need in this life to learn something from it, these certain people that we are attracted to, are mirroring our own reflection. It is our other half of ourselves that we attracted too. We need to be a whole and complete in this life to be able to meet the other half of us somewhere.
We need our own shadow. We need to face our own darkness.

A soulmate relationship is an example of a relationship like this, it reflects the worst part of you but also the best part of you, it could lead to destruction cause one of the lovers will feel the burden of the other's projection as too much to carry.
Most relationship can not sustain such an intense energetic charge which usually comes from unresolved pattern from your childhood life. Jungian say Animus for a woman where she reflects her relationship with her father as a first man she knew and Anima will project the relationship with his mother as the first woman he knew.
Forexample when your pattern with your mother is an unexpressed love, you are bound to project it into your relationship, or if your father abandoned you, or it's unknown that your father ever loved you, the words like : "You never said that you love me" or " I don't know if he really loves me" , are almost always a self fulfilling prophecy.

Such situation lends an intensity and fluctuating quality to the relationship which can make it difficult to endure on a long term basis. As a lot of thing has to come out on the surface.
Whilst one partner remains firmly rooted in reality, the other vacillates between heaven and earth or between idealisation and denigration. It can be very confusing and set the heart on swing, between joy and pain, love and hate, anger and happiness. A soul mate relationship of this sort often does not survive because the intensity of the emotion fuelled by the soul is too much to bear.

In other situation, we maybe need other people to give us love, instead of giving love to ourselves.
We think that love is coming from outside ourselves to ourselves, there is a difference between being love and wanting love.
Being love, implies that we are the source of love, while wanting love, we need love from outside ourselves to fill in the big hole inside us that we thought it's there.
We give them power over us, to make us happy or unhappy.

When we place ourselves in a place where there is a self love, we also attract the same kind of person that fully content with themselves, this will create a healthy relationship where it base on foundation of joy, adventure, and exploration of life itself, where it supposed to be.
Every relationship is important for our spiritual growth, it serves some purpose in our life, every one of it.

Life is a journey, enjoy what comes

Coming back alive from hibernating

I'm back on this blog, sorry for followers that find me hibernating for a while, I do need some time off for my self for a big transformation that going on in my life.
I do still alive and kicking if you might ask, my life is different and change a lot, I do still have a lot of story to tell.
My life is still interesting, at least for myself.
I have been down, but I will be up again, life is like a cycle, but there's always a lesson can be learned.
I'm back folks, and I will keep posting..

In the memory of my dear mother

My mother passed away on Saturday , 18 October 2008, 3 days before my birthday in Jakarta. I came to Jakarta on Sunday still here right now, would like to talk about her.
My mother lived her life with full of colors, challenges and million stories to tell that can pass long long after the children and grandchildren.
She was a wellknown doctor in my little town, in west Borneo at that time, we always known as her children in the town. I remember when I was a kid, I ran away buying cookies in the stores, and the lady who watch the stores give me big discount, just because I am her daughter and many other occassion where I took advantage of being her daughter.
She had her difficulties, troubles as everybody else, as far as I remember her courage and dignity and stubborness , inspires me all my life.
When I was a teenager, I was always against her, refused everything she asked me to do, did exactly the opposite what she want me do. I was a complete chaos, just like a pinball, running to one trouble to another.
But I never regret, that period of my life proofed to be the most important part of my life that make me like this. She proud of me of being myself, with my own colors, challenge , but most of them fun and loving life.
I saw her death as a beginning of a new life to her, a new beginning, a new path, and I'm proud of her being my mom. Always.

A note from me

I consider my life a journey, and a good one, I enjoy every minute of it. I do have my ups and down, but looking back, I always got what I want, and it is only because I'm not focusing on what I do not want, but instead I'm only focusing on what I do want.
This month November I plan to go to USA, a visit to an old friend, who was once part of me ( a little bit ), 2 weeks there and then I will be in Jakarta Bali again for some family visit and a little business to do.
There is still alot I want to accomplish, despite my busy life, I never let this dream gone by the wind.
But sometimes I do feel a bit lonely, it is so difficult to share the same value you have with another, very few.
For most of you, thank you for all the support, your little email, little drop, although I dont have time to answer, it means alot to me. I wish you all the best year of your life, and I love yo all, beautiful people

Week 1 , Summary working in Germany

It still months to go before the project is finish, and then I can back to Holland, but I can see already major differences between working in NL and GR.
People
Orang orang di belanda lebih ramah deh..., mereka bisa ngobrol dan chit chat di jam kantor dan tanpa basa basi bisa drop by ke ruangan presdir, disini mah jangan harap.
Semua serius kerja, nggak ada ngobrol ngobrol atau ketawa ketawa...kering dah.
Waktu aku naik bis, setelah memberikan uang aku bilang 'THank you' tau nggak apa jawabannya :'THis is in Germany' dalam bahasa german, dasar ...mereka ngarepin aku bahasa german, gue cuma tahu 'Auf wiedersehen' doang.
Waktu aku pulang on the way, begitu aku denger suara orang belanda cekakakan di kereta, gue seneng banget deh. Emang betul kata orang, lu nggak bakal tahu kebaikan seseorang sampai kamu kehilangan nya.
I'm so happy to be home every weekend. Sekarang aku jadi lebih apresiasi terhadap apa yang sudah ada didepan mataku.
Nggak berarti aku nyesel dikirim kesini, tapi consider that as an experience, and it is worth it.

Working in Germany Day 1

Hari minggu berangkat naik first class ICE train ke Dusseldorf dulu, sepi banget :
I plan to prepare a glass of wine for a little celebration in the journey, but then I forgot the wine.


Sampe di hotel jam 9 malem :
Capek banget, dan begitu kepala menyentuh bantal, aku langsung ngorok.





Paginya langsung ke Head quarters :
Kantornya guede banget, kantin nya segede lapangan bola, menunya biasa ala barat.
I've been here before, this is probably the third time, tapi sebelummnya aku kesini cuma ikutan meeting, sekali ini I'm here to stay.



Dan sorenya balik lagi ke hotel :
Sesudah mandi, jalan dikit ke kota lihat liat, kemudian makan di restoran :
All Alone